Deep Waters

I am a deep person. It is annoying to me to have to be surface level. Don't get me wrong, I can do it..I just don't typically enjoy it. This is a problem for me because most people are not deep. They don't want to share and talk about the things that are really going on in their lives and minds and hearts. Today I was feeling like having a deep conversation. I haven't had many lately, and I just felt like I needed to listen and also be heard. Alas, I wasn't with anyone. So I decided to have a deep look into myself. If your life is going great, you have all the things you've waited for. etc. etc. then looking at yourself is not a big deal. You might even find it fun and enjoyable to look back and reflect on things that are very good in your life.

For me, it's a little different. I do have a great life. I have a dependable job that I love (most days), I have a nice place to live, I have people in my life that care for me. I'm definitely not starving or going without. But sometimes I find myself in this dissatisfied place. And I'm not sure why. It's almost as if I don't really know why I'm doing the things I'm doing. Why am I going to grad school? Why am I involved like I am at work? What is the point of me working with the middle school kiddos at church? I'm just not seeing the "so what" behind the actions.

So today I rode my bike 4 miles to Arbor Hills Nature Preserve. I took my camera and my Ipod. I decided to just ride over there and walk around, thinking about everything that is going on. I snapped some pictures, and it was very interesting to me how the tree branches and the leaves and the sky just spoke to me. I'm not going all hippie on you, I'm just trying to say that it was nice being out in nature and feeling like there is more than just me in this world. I get so sick of analyzing every move I make so I don't anger someone or make the wrong impression. God forbid if someone doesn't like me! If someone thinks ill of me, I want to talk about it and fix it so that they like me again. However, I am really trying very hard to get myself off the imaginary throne I think I belong on. No one died and made me queen, yet I feel entitled to certain things. Why? I'm just plain selfish. And I'm tired of it. I have been doing a lot of thinking this week about my thoughts and my first reaction to situations and I don't like what I'm seeing.

I don't have any solutions or great plans to change myself. I'm not even capable of changing-God has to do that. I just have to hope that realizing unpleasant things about myself will strengthen my self control. On the other hand, I was reminded of some things that I am pretty good at: I care very deeply about others and what they go through, I am honest, and I'm someone who likes to help out where I can. So even though I am discouraged by my selfishness and entitlement problem, I was encouraged a little when I thought about some of the things I do right.

And on that note, here are some of the pretty pictures I took today.

My very cool purple and orange bike. A hand-me-down from my mom.

My shadow waving at the camera. I swear that was a wave and not a middle finger.

There were a lot of plants at the nature preserve that have thorns on them.

The sky made a nice backdrop.

Just branches and cloudless sky. I really like this one.

This was just a tiny bit of green that was alive amongst all the dead twigs.