Headaches... and more.

So, I've been getting headaches. And ringing in my ears. I have tried to ignore it, hoping it would go away. I actually thought the headaches might be because of my 90% organic diet (the other 10% is reserved for emotional eating crap food, like Taco Bell). I thought maybe my body was withdrawing from all the processed shite in the food we eat.

Where I used to get a headache about once a week, I am now having them daily. The ear ringing was every once in awhile, but now it is a signal of the coming headache each day. The doctor says the headahces, sleeplessness, dizzyness, nausea could be stress. Which makes sense, because I feel like I have about a million or so pounds of pressure weighing me down at any given moment.

But the ear-ringing, that is something else. It can be a virus in my inner ear, a result of nerve damage that is happening in my body somewhere, or possibly a tumor. I seriously doubt I have a tumor, but the other two possibilities seem more plausible. The really horrible/creepy thing about that is that I had to shell out unspeakable amounts of money for an MRI of my brain just so the doctor can rule out anything horrifying. I probably won't ever even get to see the MRI. Those kinds of things just up the ante for anxiety, I feel. If i have a freaking virus, is an MRI really necessary? Really?

I don't know why it always seems like when things hit the upswing, crap happens. It's just weird that I was commenting to a friend that I haven't been sick this school year (which is so unusual), and I'm getting my grad school stuff taken care of - boom. I know that we are not guaranteed happiness...but what is really boggling to me is that there is supposed to be some sort of sweetness in our suffering. Right? We're supposed to feel God working in our lives, even in the midst of crappy times. Or at least see him after the fact. I sure haven't felt Him lately, before, during or after situations have happened. I don't really know when the separation happened. It just did. I wish I knew how to want to get back to a place where I felt God and felt him caring.

A friend told me that when you're waiting and waiting and waiting for something, that means God is working on it, because if you want something that badly, He must be readying you for the task. I like the thought of that, but then I'm also scared. Because what if God gives me the things I want and I am so ill-equipped and angry and defiant that I ruin what he is trying to do? (That is, if He is planning on blessing me anytime soon).

I'm doing this Beth Moore study with my small group, and I actually like it. I thought I was going to be beat down by it, but I honestly have enjoyed working through the lessons. In the introduction video, Beth is talking about how she was so afraid of being in a place where she didn't feel near to God. She said that if that happened to her, "it would be a punishment worse than death" to her. I just can't grasp that. There have been other times in my life where I have felt far from God, but never like this. And I'm not saying that I'm giving up in believing in Him, but I'm just having a really hard time trying to feel anything.

I work with the middle school girls. I'm teaching them about God's Love. And I know it's real. But I can't feel it. I don't know how to get there again.